THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN
Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not King.
Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet.
Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King.
Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog. Not King today either.
Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay. Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either. Still not King, goddammit.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN PART II
Day One: Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King. Stubble update: satisfactory.
Day Two: Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three: Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Day Four: Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.
Day Six: In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?" Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King. In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.
Day Seven: Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Day Nine: Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring. Stubble update: wet.
Day Twelve: Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume. Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Day Fourteen: Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Day Fourteen, Later: Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave. Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Day Fifteen: Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn,
Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still not King.

THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS SON OF WEENUS
Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day Four: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.
Day Ten: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.
Day Eleven: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far.
Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest.
Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite. Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.
Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS PART 2

THE SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR
Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness. Ooops.
Day Three: Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four: Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his... Stupid Ring.
Day Five: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Six: Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Day Ten: Why isn't Aragorn into me ?
Day Eleven: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other news, Gandalf died.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.
Day 33: Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Day 35: Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One: Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. Did I say that out loud?
Day Three: Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee. Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.
Day Four: Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Day Five: Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty. Gandalf no fun at all. *sulk*
Day Six: Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled. Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day Seven: Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.
Day Eight: Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.
Day Nine: Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten: V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordly ways. Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli. Ick.
Day Fifteen: Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts. Hate Pippin.
Day Twenty-Two: Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady. Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.
Day Twenty-Three: Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.
Day Twenty-Four: Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm. We will see about that.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
Day One: In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?
Day Two: Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.
Day Three: Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Day Twelve: Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.
Day Thirteen: Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen: Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen: Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen: Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.
Day Twenty: Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Day Twenty-One: Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three: V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five: Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
Day Twenty-Six: In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Day Twenty-Seven: Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE
Day One: Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru. Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Day Two: Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.
Day Three: Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
Day Seven: Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.
Day Nine: Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.
Day Thirteen: Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.
Day Fourteen: All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Day Fifteen: Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.
Day Sixteen: Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf. What a bunch of yobbos.
Day Twenty: Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.
Day Twenty-Two: Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.
Day Twenty-Four: If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?
Day Twenty-Five: Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Twenty-Six: Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.
Day Twenty-Eight: Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK

Day One: Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when "washing dishes" punishment followed by "polishing Gandalf's staff" punishment and "massaging Gandalf's feet" punishment and "nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch" punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot thing.
Day Two: V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape. Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three ears corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast. All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad.
Day Three: Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf "The Gray" earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort of thing myself.
Day Five: Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn't happen, but did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin's belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what?
Day Six: Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying human. Told him to sod off and he said "That's not what you said last night." After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, "I'm really meant to be King, you know." Sure he is, and I'm the Elf Queen of Mirkwood.
Day Seven: In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.
Day Nine: Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me! 
Day Eleven: Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything. Hope he tries something.
Day Fifteen: Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always dropping sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come and get it. Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of vegetables.
Day Sixteen: Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old 'Horn of Gondor' trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once.
Day Nineteen: Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin" at most inopportune time. Pointed out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.
Day Twenty: Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not much difference really, eh?" In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, "Fool of a Took! I have better things to do than mend your vegetables." Did not correct Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat.
Day Twenty-Two: Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself far too many high kicks.
Day Twenty-Eight: In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. Perhaps. No, certainly not.
Day Thirty: Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a v. good day.

VERY SECRET DIARY OF RINGWRAITH No. 5
Day 1: Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!
Day 1,000,967: Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile servitude. Still disembodied.
Day 1,001,056: V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn't think so.
Day 1,001,102: Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can really dress up again.
Day 1,001,105: Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring. Witch-King of Angmar's suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.
Day 1,001,106: Have been given brand spanking new horse. Not for spanking, of course. Go me! On minus side, still disembodied.
Day 1,001,107: V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three "companions." Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude. Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.
Day 1,001,109: Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick) Killed: 17 human men. Go us!
Day 1,001,115: Have been following Isildur's heir and pack of Hobbits for six days. Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day 1,001,116: Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.
Day 1,001,119: Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur's Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having "girlfriend" that inconveniently got washed away in stream. Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling. No, not that kind of oiling. Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren't you, what?

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARWEN UNDOMIEL

Day One: Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine's Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.
Day Two: Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.
Day Three: Someone's been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.
Day Six: Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?
Day Eleven: Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him "the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike" at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn't understand it; he's awfully pretty, but not so bright.
Day Thirteen: Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.
Day Fifteen: Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!
Day Seventeen: Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, "What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?" Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, "The 'Still Not King guy, right?' Did not respond; some people don't deserve my conversation.
Day Eighteen: Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.
Day Twenty: Doesn't he ever wash his hair when I'm not around?
Day Twenty-Four: Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Twenty-Five: Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn's direction... alas no dice. "But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!" Whingy little hobbit, I've no patience at all.
Day Twenty-Six: Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride. Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him. Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: "Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess." Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.
Day Twenty-Seven: Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.
Day Twenty-Nine: Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits' quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.
Day Thirty: Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.
Day Thirty-Two: Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: "You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself." To which he replied, "If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet."
Day Forty: Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn't filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn's pocket for nothing.

Day 1: Got made Captain today! Big manly bonding sessions all week.

Day 9005: Met weird human today, says name is Aragorn son of Arathon and that he is meant to be King or something, wasn't really paying much attention.

Day 9006: Aragorn still complaining about not being King, getting annoyed now. Suggested he take a bath and wash hair.

Day 14007: Surprised fellowship this morning. Made witty comment to dwarf, dwarf pissed off. Go me! Small lawn ornament with blue eyes caught my attention, Aragorn gave me evil look. Think the friend is hotter. The mohawked one looked funny. Made dwarf walk up lots of stairs. Go me!

Day 14008: Hiding from Aragorn, dont want to hear him complain about not being king, still recovering from the last time. Caught Legolas in Galadriels mirror pond. V.scary, hair was all shampooed up and was singing into brush, think someone else was with him, possibly Celeborn. Remember incident last autumn, *shudder*. Later... Aragorn caught me and whinged all afternoon and night about not being King and all about Frodo. Stupid hobbit fancier, hed better not try anything Sam will kill him. In hind sight that be a good thing, then have Sam to myself.

Day 14009: Why me? Everyone is bringing their complaints to me, cant escape. Legolas pranced on and on about his hair and the spot on his nose (tried not to laugh - its huge!) then he showed me his nude rendition of The Silmarrillion and asked me what was wrong with it - took a Valium - still in shock. Then Boromir found me and complained about Aragorn, stupid git doesnt he see that Aragorn is into Frodo? Escaped Boromir then was ambushed by Sam, was happy, had nice chat with Sam.

Day 14010: Fellowship left, gave Sam nice rope to remember me by, also gave the rest cloaks, dwarf tried to bite me when I gave it to him. Stood on shore and watched them go, suppressed urge to wave furiously, Galadriel was giving me the "I want to talk look" tried to run away but she caught me. She complained all afternoon about hairs in her pond and about Frodo, is everyone into Frodo? Sam is way better.

Day 14012: Hiding in forest, sick of people thinking Im a shrink. Leaves pretty, missing Sam.

Day 14013: Arwen found me. I listened when she talked all about Aragorn loving hobbits and about that stupid dwarf (what was she thinking?) Her purple dress looked out of shape - asked her what happened to it - said Legolas wore it - typical poncy elf, that dress looked fabulous on me. Arwen asked if I was still interested in her, told her about Sam, she got annoyed and said she was going shopping, told her to try Gap at Rohan - received evil look.

Day 14014: Still hiding in forest. Shot rabbit, Go me!

Day 14017: Galadriel called me today - she says she wants me for something - I shudder to think what - I just hope she doesn't go on and on about Frodo again.

Day 14018: Got shiny new armour today. Spent sometime looking into the river admiring my reflection - I look good.

Day 14019: Marched out of Lothlorien today with a bunch of Elves from Rivendell and Lorien - I'm the only one with a red cloak, go me!

Dusk 14022: Got to blow the horn (no not THAT horn) on arriving at Helm's Deep. We marched in, in perfect formation (so that's what all that marching was for - I just thought Celeborn was checking us out) I was most impressed. Met King of Rohan - he's kinda short. Aragorn HUGGED me, he HUGGED me - well at least he had had a bath - I was so in shock - I'm sure his hand didn't brush my butt - I'm sure .... I think. Then Legolas gave me a manly hug (I don't know why - was he trying to impress the Rohan's or something?) Sam wasn't there - am disappointed.

Night 14022: Silly Rohan man shot Orc to early - tried very hard not to laugh - it shut the Orcs up though - but I had to laugh at the dwarf (what's up with Legolas and the dwarf do they have a thing going or something?) he just looked so stupid standing there - you could barely see his helmet - Aragorn gave me warning looks - so I bit my lip and aimed at the Orcs. Stupid Orcs - I shot 30 of them before they even came over the wall then I slashed up some more - that was fun. Stupid Aragorn distracted me by calling a retreat - as if HE could be a King and the Orc stabbed me - stupid Orc that really hurt. Then another Orc cut me in the back - I looked around and saw Aragorn racing up to me - I was still the best looking Elf.

Day 14023: I'm in Valinor - yay! Though I kinda miss the mallorn trees and Sam, definitely miss Sam. Oh crap Gildor's here to - gotta run.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF THEODEN
Day One: Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.
Day Two: New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and youthful.
Day Three: Is that a grey hair?
Day Four: New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes. Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her - pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.
Day Six: Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him from Rohan for whining.
Day Seven: Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.
Day Eight: Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna! Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better screening process.
Day Ten: Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.
Day Eleven: Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.
Day Eleven, Later: Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault anyway. Am not sure how, but it is.
Day Thirteen: Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite horse.
Day Thirteen, Later: Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.
Day Sixteen: Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas. Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?

1. You want to name you kids Mirthrandir and Elanor. (Pippin and Eowyn work fine, too...)
2. You know what's special about "1973".
3. You know what's special about "3791".
4. You can relate anything to The Lord of the Rings. Example: "Hey! I saw a tree that looked kind of Entish..."
5. You know what LOTR, FOTR, TTT, ROTK, and Sil mean and use them often.
6. It drives you crazy that you can't walk down the street for a Second Breakfast with your hobbit-friends.
7. The only pictures in your room are of Lord of the Rings characters, or something Lord of the Rings-related.
8. Everyone groans in agony if they see a picture of Elijah Wood when they're with you.
9. You're counting down the days for the next installment of the movie trilogy.
10. You've memorized parts from the book.
11. You've memorized parts from the movie.
12. You've memorized the elvish parts.
13. You've memorized EVERYTHING that has to do with Tolkien!!
14. "Lord of the Rings" is the magic word to get you out of your la-la-land condition.
15. No one bothers to ask what you want for your Birthday or Christmas.
16. You have a nickname related to the Lord of the Rings.
17. You respond to it.
18. You wish you had pointed ears.
19. You can't say "yes" without ending it in "precious."
20. You've named one of your pets after a Lord of the Rings character.
21. You can't pass a day without dreaming about it.
22. You squeal with joy whenever you see a comercial of the next installment, video release, or one of the actors from the movie on TV and turn the volum up. WAY up.
23. If anyone shows the slightest insterest in it, you tell them the whole plot of the story in a split second.
24. If someone shows no interest in it, then you either scream at them and tell them they're crazy or completely shut up, knowing everything you say has something to do with it and will annoy them immensly.
25. You write out songs, poems, skits, and various other things about Middle-Earth.
26. You write out stuff like this.
27. You have competitions with friends to see who can come up with more modern world-Middle Earth comparisons
28. You know (and can play) at least 1 track from a LOTR soundtrack on every instrument you play
29. When a Cocker Spaniel named Pippin comes into the groomer's you work at, you overlook the fact that he's a vicious piece of work, you want to give him a bath so bad.
30. In RE to 29... You want to go cry at your LOTR shrine when your mom picks you up from work early... so early you don't get to do Pippin.
31. You listen to the LOTR cast saying "welcome toLord of the Rings.net" over and over again.
32. You go with your LOTR family and friends, dressed up, to the movies to see the next installment:

1. You have a replica of the One Ring which you will let no one touch or even look at, hanging around your neck every waking moment
2. You honestly wish that you had pointy ears
3. Your friends are very careful not to say the words, lord ring arrow sword ranger or possibly Orlando around you for fear of a long speech about the importance of each of these things in Lord of the Rings, such as-
4. When you talk about something Lord of the Rings related, you get so excited that you cannot use whole sentences at a time, or you break into constant giggle fits.
5. When your friend says something bad about Lord of the Rings, you kick them or throw them into a trashcan.
6. After you threw them in a trash can, you muttered, fool of a Took
7. You took those antique porcelain figures your grandmother gave you off of your display case and put your Lord of the Rings figurines there, instead.
8. When your brother tried to touch a figurine, you broke into a violent rampage.
9. You spend hours at a time online. Learning elvish.
10. You know who Shelob or Denethor is and its not December of 2003 yet.
11. You cried when The Two Towers was over. Right in the theater.
12. When you had the stomach flu, you stared at the ceiling and wished Aragorn were there to make you feel better.
13. Your dad, who hasnt even read the books, knows every line of the Fellowship of the Ring by heart from walking past you watching it over and over and over
14. You find yourself writing 12 pages on the importance of Legolas in school instead of that 2-page essay for History thats due.
15. You understand what tig or cup is, and you find it extremely amusing if someone says one of these words.
16. You needed to buy new notebooks every two months in school because all of the pages were doodled on. See? Theres a giant spider. See it? And theres an arrow and a bow, and Look! Theres a hobbit!
17. Your review of TTT got in the newspaper and you were convinced that the photographer that came to take your picture was related to Denethor.
18. When someone tells you that you could actually be an author, you start thinking, Just like Tolkien!
19. You think that Harry Potter is a baby book after reading Lord of the Rings a few times or more *ahem*
20. When you listen to music other than Lord of the Rings related, you pick up on the slightest similarities between the two, and visualize the scene where that music was.

1. You try to teach your dog to sit by saying 'Havo Dad' to him! I've tried this - it works! My dog understands Elvish!

2. You walk up to the ticket counter, the woman behind the desk looks up and simply says, "The usual?"

3. The guys at the snack counter have named a combo meal after you.

4. You've figured out, down to the ounce, how much soda you can consume over a three hour period without having to take a potty break.

5. You're really annoyed that the spell checker on your word processor flags "prrrrreecciiooussss" as wrong.

6. You've ever lied about the number of times you've seen FOTR. (classic addiction denial...)

7. You've even been stuck in slow moving traffic, leaned out the window, and shouted "Fly, you fools!"

8. You've already started on your costume for Opening Night of TTT.

9. You know what the initials TTT stand for.

10. You've managed to convince yourself that popcorn has the same nutritional value as lembas.

11. You've taken to wearing your wedding ring on a chain around your neck. (And you scowl and draw back from anyone who tries to look at it.)

12. You are having lunch with a co-worker in the park, and you grab him/her and hurl the both of you into the ornamental shrubs, because you saw a flock of blackbirds approaching.

13. You have developed a sudden *need* to take archery lessons.

14. You start looking in the phone book for places you can have prosthetic feet and ears made.

15. You're riding on the chair-lift when it gets stopped by high winds and blinding snow, when you turn to your companions and shout "We must get off the mountain!"

16. You bend over to pick up a stick to throw to your dog, imagine it is an arrow and cry "Orcs!"

17. You start growing lots of shrubs and greens around your house and start talking to the trees.

18. You actually renamed your pet "Baggins".

19. While folding laundry you are seized with the urge to throw a sheet over your head and hiss, "Shhhhire......Bagginsssss...." - and then wonder why the other people in the laundry just look at you blankly.

20. You dream yourself into Middle Earth and get confronted with an incredible amount of curses out of your own mouth after your sleep was disturbed by whatever.

21. You start to recite whole dialogues from LOTR word by word when one of your friends asks you "Do you remember when Gandalf..."

22. Whenever you're having a problem you wish Gandalf was around to advise you.

23. It doesn't matter when you take a potty break anymore as you just mutter the dialog to yourself and reenact the battle scenes on the way to and from the restroom.

24. You start self-censoring your LOTR comments to family and co-workers so they won't think you're a total fanatic. They wonder why you stopped talking altogether.

25. You are at the video store and see "Godzilla" and think... it's the Eye of Sauron!

26. You absolutely love Christmas but this year it was just one big interruption in your whole Lord of the Rings viewing schedule.

27. When your bus is twenty minutes late, you start talking to moths just in case you can bum a ride.

28. You put a sign on your sister's door saying "There is evil here that does not sleep".

29. You have a very complicated journey to make, but it doesn't even occur to you to bring a map.

30. You have started practicing the "Legolas arrow stab maneuver" with knitting needles.

31. When one of your teachers tells you to pick your groups for a project, so you pick up your stuff and go to a group that's forming, saying, "You need people of intelligence on this sort of project...assignment....thing."

32. You consider asking out that really tall guy in your math class, just because standing next to him makes you feel like a hobbit! (Or is that just me?)

33. You start looking at your friends' ears to see whose are the most pointy (well, those few friends left, anyway...)

34. You reach into your pocket in line at the cafeteria to pay for your lunch, and only manage to come up with a handful of ticket stubs.

35. You've changed the password on your computer to "mellon".

36. When dragged to some *other* movie by well-meaning friends, you insist on stopping near the FOTR theater so that you can tell what scene they're in by the music leaking out. If the *other* movie happens to be right next door to FOTR, you keep your friends informed with little tidbits like "They're in Moria now" and "Hear that? That's the Lothlorien music."

37. When you get to the theater for your weekly viewing, you greet all the other regulars by their elvish names.

38. When your curse becomes subtle sounding now... "You Gollum" --- "Balrog You"!!!

39. When you find your name is in the reserved parking area at the theater.

40. The staff has blazoned your name on the back of your seat.

41. You receive personal screen ads from the other regulars, before the movie begins.

42. You receive comp rooms at the hotel next to the theater in the name of Festival cinemas.

43. Friends and relatives begin to drive you crazy with requests to recite the whole movie backwards, and the saddest part is... you can actually do it !!

44. There are cobwebs on your favorite chair at home.

45. You know that if you had a pet parrot, it also would be able to do #43.

46. You Have a pet parrot who annoyedly asks you if you could teach it something else !!

47. You know how to make all the green lights on the way to the theater.

48. At the grocery store, people you have never met are heard whispering: "Look, it's that Ring lady".

49. Your family now owns stock in a fast food franchise as you haven't been home to cook since 12/19/01.

50. You now own stock in ju ju bees and snowcaps.

51. You use the term "soft palate" whenever you give your blow-by-blow description of the battle of Balin's tomb.

52. You have a favorite orc, and argue with your friends as to whether "Hissy" or "Pink-eye" is cooler.

53. People tell you to shut up as you sing along with Gandalf and Bilbo (The Road goes ever on and on...)

54. While sitting at your lunch table you suddenly realize that your friend is an absolute elf look alike. Blonde hair, tall and pointy ears!

55. While sitting in social studies, you suddenly notice that the name "Elijah" somebody-or-other is on your drill! ELIJAH?? His birthday is January 28........*starts droning on and on*

56. Your Monday morning routine is calling every theatre within a 20 mile radius of where you work or live and plan out the week. [One visit per theatre so they don't catch on!]

57. You get the references to all these jokes and have said out loud "That is SO me" to at least five of them.

58. You're actually peeved at this thread because the idea of seeing FOTR "to many times" is an oxymoron.

59. You're about to show the great poem you wrote to your sweetie, but then realize that he won't understand it because he doesn't know anything about the history of Beleriand.

60. You call Valentine's day "Aragorn/Arwen day".

61. You call out "Oh Viggo!" at a rather inappropriate time. (Or "Oh Sean!". But not "Oh Elijah!" because that's just weird.)

62. You've gone out to a restaurant and, when the waiter comes to take your order, you've actually asked for either:

63. People taking their daily walk call to you when you pass them on the way to the movie theatre and call you by your elvish name.

64. Anything anybody says causes you to look up from what your doing and start reciting the scene that starts like that.

65. People have stopped reading the English lines when somebody says something in elvish 'cause they know you'll say it out loud anyway.

66. You ask your friends for a ride and they don't even have to ask where you're going.

67. A local cab company parks a daily cab in front of your house for which they just flat rate you once a week.

68. The theater comps you at the snack bar.

69. The theater just sends your tickets in the mail now.

70. The theater manager has put you on payroll.

71. Ladies, you catch yourself saying out loud to your partner at the wrong time: "Strange that we should have such fear and doubt over so small a thing, Such a little thing".

72. You find yourself thinking your teacher is a hobbit and are convinced when they mention they like mushrooms.

73. You listen to the soundtrack constantly.

74. When your younger brother tries getting into your room you shout "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

75. When you and other LOTR fans get together, everyone else turns and stares because all you do is re-act the movie and speak in Elvish.

76. When asked what your greatest fear is, you reply, "Sauron getting the ring and enslaving the world".

77. When you get angry at someone, you recite the one ring poem in the black language.

78. Find yourself referring to the movie in daily conversation. For example, "Yeah I understand, just like when Pippin accidentally woke the Balrog..."

79. You lose a sock in the washing machine and sadly announce "It has fallen into shadow".

80. You grab junk from the garage and attic and head for the nearest queue (bank, cinema, etc.) and start handing out gifts Galadriel style.

81. You grab every gold ring you see and smash it with your trusty axe (your new accessory), saving you the trip to Mt. Doom.

82. You install a second peep hole and doorbell 3 feet up from the bottom of your front door in case any hobbits stop by.

83. You haven't taken a shower since the movie opened back in Dec. now that it has become the latest LOTR trend.

84. You've ripped up all the plants from your garden and planted only kingsfoil, for medicinal purposes.

85. Someone tries to cut you in the lift line (ski lift...yes I live in a ski town...sigh), you throw down your poles in the snow and shout "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

86. You have recently been overcome with an obsession to find a LotR nickname -- there are people actually named Eowyn, Meri and Lorien out there! Totally unfair!

87. You have a major, major crush on one of the characters - the character, not the actor. (no, I do not have a crush on Sam. Seriously!)

88. You actually cry when FotR goes out of theatres.

89. You insist that you CANNOT have a gold ring - the risk is just too great!

90. You go on a very long trip, walking, without any food, water, or other form of survival tools (this includes rope!) just for the heck of it.

91. You know each actor (including very minor characters), director, producer, etc.'s name, age and where he/she lives by heart.

92. You can hear someone talking about LotR or you can see the cover of one of the books from an amazing distance away.

93. You ask someone who is in the process of reading the books what page they are on in Fellowship of the Ring, and you know exactly what is happening just by the page number, or at least what chapter it is in.

94. Your good friend who has never read any of the books or seen the movie points to the picture of Saruman on the cover of The Two Towers and asks, "Is that Sam?" You burst into tears.

95. Someone who has only seen the movie once points to Aragorn on the cover of Return of the King, and says "Hey! That's the guy who tried to kill the Frodo!" and you are mortally offended.

96. You rename your horse Bill.

97. You can recite whole pages of text without referring to the book.

98. You feel strangely comforted while reading this list.

99. You have the regular size calendar at work, the poster size calendar at home, the key chains ...

100. Your friends quickly introduce new topics when conversation lapses to keep you from talking about LOTR

101. You believe you are being stalked by an orc when your cat just wants to play.

102. You tell your friends that if you should be hit by a bus before all three of these movies are out that you're going to have to haunt a theatre until Christmas 2003!

103. You find yourself skipping third period (or sneaking out of work) to eat elevensies.

104. Even if your not American you find yourself rooting for Todd Eldrige just because he skated to Lord of the Rings

105. You start referring to people you like as mellon

106. You actually talk about Tolkien in a job interview for the government. (Go me!)

107. You swear that you heard Black Riders outside your house so you go outside with a torch and find out it was only the night patrol.

108. When you're hiking on nature trails, you find yourself hiding behind (or in) trees every time you hear foot steps.

109. You swear that you saw orc eyes in the last cave you visited.

110. You wonder why Elvish is not included in the world languages part of your course calendar.

111. People stop asking you what you did last weekend because it always starts.. "Well, I saw LOTR..."

112. You start seeing LOTR phrases in daily life: boarding pass = you shall not pass, electrical = elvish

113. It's getting hard to have conversations in which you use your own words rather than just quoting LOTR.

114. Since you don't want popcorn you ask the movie theatre staff if you can just buy the LOTR plastic popcorn bucket by itself.

115. In anticipation of the coming movies, you then put said LOTR popcorn bucket on your head and proclaim aloud, "I am Eowyn, and I don my helm of Rohan".

116. You take a ring off a LOTR bookmark, find a gold chain, and proceed to wear it around your neck.